Just An Update

Nothing much to report. Slendersightings have been scarce so far, the hotel continues to be shit and I continue to  refuse to touch the blanket or walk around barefooted.

The class is going well-only two sessions so far, but it's not as hard as I thought it would be. The me of a few weeks ago probably would've been too nervous to do any of this, but after losing everyone it doesn't bother me. All I have to do is imagine using these moves on Star or one of his minions and I'm fine with it. Amazing how things change.

Speaking of Morningstar. Apparently he thinks he can defect? This crazy bint honestly thinks he of all people deserves a chance at redemption. I've seen him. I've looked into his eyes. He has no pity, no remorse. I looked into those cold blue eyes and saw cruelty and joy at my suffering. I do not believe for a moment he has any sort of remorse.
I still have nightmares of those eyes and that cold, clear laugh as Damon died.
He doesn't deserve the second chance Damon and Penny never got.

Stronger

Sorry I'm slow to update lately but I've been driving so hard all I do when I reach a stopping point is pass out. I don't have much to say. I'm just going through my days and trying to live and figure out where to go from here.

That said, I'm now settled down in one of those sleazy rent by the week type places. I don't expect to be able to stay here long, but I'll enjoy the couple weeks I have, because I've come to a decision.

I don't have anyone to protect me anymore. I can't expect to be protected or sheltered or guarded ever again. I have to learn how to protect and take care of myself. In regards to the former, the city I'm in at the moment has free self defense classes going at the community center. I've already enrolled. I don't ever expect to be a fighter like some of you, but these days being able to fight back if I'm attacked is rather important.

The later I'm just having to figure out as I go.

The point is, I have a goal, I have a plan, I refuse to let this destroy me. For Damon and Penny and Brandon, I have to keep going.

Pondering My Next Move

I've been here at Miss' house for almost a week. She's been amazing. It's been really hard, she's helped me so much.
I'll admit that the first couple days I didn't really do much but cry and sleep. And then she mentioned wanting cookies. Just idly. And somehow next thing I knew I was baking cookies in her kitchen and she was looking at me with these bright starry eyes and I felt actually happy for the first time since... well. You know.
No matter how much it feels like your heart will break at each new tragedy, life moves on. The little things still happen to make you smile or laugh or cry, and eventually even the most bitter and desperate person starts to notice the happy moments again.
I'm not over it. I may never be over it. I loved them, and they died for me, and I'm not sure I even want to be over it or over them. But I'm recovering. I feel alive again, and I need to get moving.

I left Miss' house this morning. It's strange and sad and terrifying to be alone again but the three of them left me enough money to get by for a while until I figure out my next move.

Processing

I think... I think I'm still in shock, a little bit.
I don't... We didn't have a plan, really. We had no plans except to run. So I've not really known what to do? But we were headed up to see Miss, before... before all of this went down.
So, I decided to go ahead and go to her. She's... she's very kind and I don't really want to be alone after all of this.
Also admittedly I feel a lot safer with her, what with her being... whatever she is, exactly. I got to her early this afternoon, and she's every bit as kind in person. It feels nice to have someone to talk to again, and she doesn't mind hugging me while I cry.
Which happens quite often these days, unfortunately

I'm finally out of survival mode, now that I have time to sit and process... And I've been thinking. When I can.
I have to find something, I have to live. Damon told me, when he ordered me to run, that I had to keep living. It was... it was the last thing he ever told me. I don't know how. But I have to do it. For him. For them.

Somehow.

What Now

My name is Jessie Miller. I am twenty two years old, I had two partners named Damon Lewis and Penny Smith. I had a boyfriend named Brandon. I was studying to be a nurse, with a specialty in pediatrics. Penny was a teacher, Damon an electrical engineer. We met my first year in college when we all joined the same gaming group. Damon and Penny had been best friends for years and they both fell for me.
They agreed to share me if I agreed to it, and it wasn't long after that they realized they had feelings for each other. We were planning on moving somewhere on the coast after I graduated. They collared me last September, telling me they'd marry me as well if it were legal.
We were happy, together, until I got too nosy and started reading blogs and brought Slenderman into their lives. We had beautiful plans, we had our whole lives ahead of us. Penny dreamed of being a novelist-she hated horror stories and loved light hearted fantasy with everything she had. Damon wanted to make us a completely self-sustaining house.
They gave me rules and things to focus on when I was scared and needed guidance. They walked me through my fears and my doubts. Penny's family kicked her out of the house when she came out to them about Damon and I. Told her to never come back, but she was so proud to be open about her lovers that she spent the whole day smiling.
Damon was the one who found us our house. He graduated with a real job and could afford it. We had a crappy apartment in Jacksonville for school but Damon graduated and found us a little house where we could all live. This fall would have been the first time in two years that I wouldn't go to sleep with them every night, but it was okay because I only had a semester left and I had their collar to remind me I was theirs.
Penny smelled like ginger and tasted like cherries and had beautiful soft red hair. We always woke up in the morning tangled up in each other because she loved to cuddle and it always felt so good to make her smile.
Damon had a deep grumbly voice that felt commanding in all the right ways and a laugh that never failed to make me smile. He always smelt of soap and man and things I can't quite identify but his arms always felt like home and the way he called me good girl always made my toes curl.

Brandon I barely knew. It was my fault that he got involved. He was sweet and shy and way confused by the insanity that hit him so quickly. But he was just learning how to game and he was utterly delighted by the dice. He was so good to me when I was scared and tried so hard to take care of me so soon after we'd met. Our first date was only that morning...
His smile could light up a whole room and his kisses were sweet and I will always regret that I never had time to show him my world properly, and he never really even tried to show me his.

I will never forget them, I loved them all, they were my family and they all died so that I could be here and I don't know why I'm the one who survived, I'm useless without them, but I have to make them all proud. Somehow.

Master, Lady, Brandon... I'm so sorry. I love you. I would give anything for one more day with you.
I'm sorry I couldn't keep you safe.

You Were Right, Jess

Hi, this is Penny. Jessie, I'm sorry for breaking into your account but you're not answering your phone and you left your password as the one we used for everything, so I hope this is okay. We needed to get in touch.

You were right, I'm so sorry, you were right and now we have a stalker in a business suit. Jessie, where are you love? We miss you and we want you back, now that there's no reason for us to stay apart. Please, please call us back?

That can be an order if you're willing to have us back. We love you, Jess, and we're both pretty fucking scared.

Running

Being on the run is terrifying. I could only bring what I could sneak out of our house without Damon and Penny noticing, so while I managed to empty my account on the way to meet Brandon, I was only able to bring a couple days worth of clothes, a couple books, and the LARPing weapons that were already in my car. I'm seriously considering finding a goodwill and trying to pick up a few more things, all of what I have is already pretty grimy. But money is going to be tight pretty soon so I can't quite justify it.

Brandon's been holding up pretty well, considering. Neither of us have come up with anything beyond 'run like the wind', but he's been so good to me... I'm not exactly the most stable right now. The day after we left, Damon and Penny called and told me that we were done. It shouldn't... it shouldn't bother me so damn much, I never expected anything else, but I... they've been so much a part of me, of my life, of everything I say or do, for so long...

I just feel lost. Thank God for Brandon, if I were on my own right now I couldn't... I couldn't do it. I just... I...

I should go before I start crying again.