Hope

David and I have been here for a week. I meant to say something sooner but I really have just gotten out of the habit of blogging. And, other than Miss, everyone who reads this blog is in the building, I think. So it's not like it much matters, really. But I still want to try and get back in the habit of putting things up here.

Hope is nice. Even if I haven't really seen anything but my room and the kitchen. It's so weird, there being other people around. I... I'm honestly kind of too scared to deal with it very well. But I've met a couple people. The Mad Ventriloquist has been very kind to me, and Lis made me spaghetti, and Shaun and I talked.
It's... nice. I'd forgotten what it is to talk to people, to get hugs and have simple, domestic conversations.

It won't last. We're leaving soon. I'm not sure I'm sad about that. There's so many couples... it hurts. God help me, it hurts seeing people hand in hand, seeing that magnetism between people in love. And it's everywhere, and it burns me like fire because every time I see it, or hear it, or read about it, there's just this giant hole where Damon and Penny used to be, and I just...
I can't.
I just can't.
So, I'm sorry, but we can't leave soon enough for my taste. It all hurts too much.

Just An Update

Nothing much to report. Slendersightings have been scarce so far, the hotel continues to be shit and I continue to  refuse to touch the blanket or walk around barefooted.

The class is going well-only two sessions so far, but it's not as hard as I thought it would be. The me of a few weeks ago probably would've been too nervous to do any of this, but after losing everyone it doesn't bother me. All I have to do is imagine using these moves on Star or one of his minions and I'm fine with it. Amazing how things change.

Speaking of Morningstar. Apparently he thinks he can defect? This crazy bint honestly thinks he of all people deserves a chance at redemption. I've seen him. I've looked into his eyes. He has no pity, no remorse. I looked into those cold blue eyes and saw cruelty and joy at my suffering. I do not believe for a moment he has any sort of remorse.
I still have nightmares of those eyes and that cold, clear laugh as Damon died.
He doesn't deserve the second chance Damon and Penny never got.

Pondering My Next Move

I've been here at Miss' house for almost a week. She's been amazing. It's been really hard, she's helped me so much.
I'll admit that the first couple days I didn't really do much but cry and sleep. And then she mentioned wanting cookies. Just idly. And somehow next thing I knew I was baking cookies in her kitchen and she was looking at me with these bright starry eyes and I felt actually happy for the first time since... well. You know.
No matter how much it feels like your heart will break at each new tragedy, life moves on. The little things still happen to make you smile or laugh or cry, and eventually even the most bitter and desperate person starts to notice the happy moments again.
I'm not over it. I may never be over it. I loved them, and they died for me, and I'm not sure I even want to be over it or over them. But I'm recovering. I feel alive again, and I need to get moving.

I left Miss' house this morning. It's strange and sad and terrifying to be alone again but the three of them left me enough money to get by for a while until I figure out my next move.

Processing

I think... I think I'm still in shock, a little bit.
I don't... We didn't have a plan, really. We had no plans except to run. So I've not really known what to do? But we were headed up to see Miss, before... before all of this went down.
So, I decided to go ahead and go to her. She's... she's very kind and I don't really want to be alone after all of this.
Also admittedly I feel a lot safer with her, what with her being... whatever she is, exactly. I got to her early this afternoon, and she's every bit as kind in person. It feels nice to have someone to talk to again, and she doesn't mind hugging me while I cry.
Which happens quite often these days, unfortunately

I'm finally out of survival mode, now that I have time to sit and process... And I've been thinking. When I can.
I have to find something, I have to live. Damon told me, when he ordered me to run, that I had to keep living. It was... it was the last thing he ever told me. I don't know how. But I have to do it. For him. For them.

Somehow.

What Now

My name is Jessie Miller. I am twenty two years old, I had two partners named Damon Lewis and Penny Smith. I had a boyfriend named Brandon. I was studying to be a nurse, with a specialty in pediatrics. Penny was a teacher, Damon an electrical engineer. We met my first year in college when we all joined the same gaming group. Damon and Penny had been best friends for years and they both fell for me.
They agreed to share me if I agreed to it, and it wasn't long after that they realized they had feelings for each other. We were planning on moving somewhere on the coast after I graduated. They collared me last September, telling me they'd marry me as well if it were legal.
We were happy, together, until I got too nosy and started reading blogs and brought Slenderman into their lives. We had beautiful plans, we had our whole lives ahead of us. Penny dreamed of being a novelist-she hated horror stories and loved light hearted fantasy with everything she had. Damon wanted to make us a completely self-sustaining house.
They gave me rules and things to focus on when I was scared and needed guidance. They walked me through my fears and my doubts. Penny's family kicked her out of the house when she came out to them about Damon and I. Told her to never come back, but she was so proud to be open about her lovers that she spent the whole day smiling.
Damon was the one who found us our house. He graduated with a real job and could afford it. We had a crappy apartment in Jacksonville for school but Damon graduated and found us a little house where we could all live. This fall would have been the first time in two years that I wouldn't go to sleep with them every night, but it was okay because I only had a semester left and I had their collar to remind me I was theirs.
Penny smelled like ginger and tasted like cherries and had beautiful soft red hair. We always woke up in the morning tangled up in each other because she loved to cuddle and it always felt so good to make her smile.
Damon had a deep grumbly voice that felt commanding in all the right ways and a laugh that never failed to make me smile. He always smelt of soap and man and things I can't quite identify but his arms always felt like home and the way he called me good girl always made my toes curl.

Brandon I barely knew. It was my fault that he got involved. He was sweet and shy and way confused by the insanity that hit him so quickly. But he was just learning how to game and he was utterly delighted by the dice. He was so good to me when I was scared and tried so hard to take care of me so soon after we'd met. Our first date was only that morning...
His smile could light up a whole room and his kisses were sweet and I will always regret that I never had time to show him my world properly, and he never really even tried to show me his.

I will never forget them, I loved them all, they were my family and they all died so that I could be here and I don't know why I'm the one who survived, I'm useless without them, but I have to make them all proud. Somehow.

Master, Lady, Brandon... I'm so sorry. I love you. I would give anything for one more day with you.
I'm sorry I couldn't keep you safe.