David

By the time you're reading this, it's too late for me. I just want to get that out of the way. If you are reading this, I am dead. I asked David to post this once he'd killed me.

Some of you wondered, I'm sure, what interest David would have in someone like me. I did too. I'm not stupid, just resigned. I'm not a runner. I'm not a fighter. I barely survive. And if David cared enough to track me down that first time, I was his prey. And if he wanted to play nice? Well, it's felt good pretending someone cares about me like that again.

For the record? I suspected from the moment I saw that comment. I figured it out for certain shortly after we arrived at Hope. He introduced me to The Mad Ventriloquist, poor man. They're in love, and I wish them all the best, because I can't think of any other motive that would've kept him from crying and trying something like he obviously wanted to. He knew. He's not that good of an actor.
But please, don't judge him too harshly. I told him I knew, that it was what I wanted. He didn't like it, but he understood.

David knew I knew, and never did he seem so attracted to me as when I came to him a few days later and told him I knew he was going to kill me. That kiss... I think it may have been the only real kiss he ever gave me. The only one that wasn't carefully planned and poised and plotted.

Yes, that's right. We were sleeping together. The two of us made a deal. I would do whatever he wanted, let him have whatever death he wanted for me, do just exactly as he wished.

Provided he gave me at least a week to pretend he loved me. He's been wonderful, he's an amazing actor and a skilled top. Were circumstances different it would be quite easy to fall into that act and believe that it were true, that he really did love me.

As it is, I'm grateful for the masquerade. I didn't want to die without ever being happy again. I'm... I'm not, exactly. Happy, I mean. But.. content. As long as I have someone I can trust to serve, I can find contentment, and strangely now that I know he wants my death I know he won't harm me in the meantime. I trust him implicitly.

I know I'm going to die, I know it will probably be horrific. I have no doubt in my mind that he will make me cry and scream and wish for the end, but I find comfort in two things.

First, that nothing he, an external force, can do will hurt me worse than I already hurt after the past couple months. I've tried so hard to fight it or hide it or move past it, but all I am is pain. Everything I am, everything I feel, is shades of pain. Serving him, getting so far into that mentality that it's a trance, is the only thing I've been able to find to allow me to not hurt, even just for a little while.

And secondly? There is nothing left on this earth I want more than death. After their deaths... I just can't. As much as they wouldn't like the comparison, I find myself like those stories of dogs whose owners have died who just fade away, die out of grief for their master. The only thing keeping me in the land of the living is luck. That and Damon's last order: that I not end my own life because of my loss.
So I haven't. I've done what I could to stay alive, and now that the decision is out of my hands... now that I know I will see them again soon... If I didn't still hurt so bad, I'd call it joy.

So, please, don't hate or blame him for it. He gave me everything I could have asked for. I'm just hoping my death doesn't hurt anyone else.

Goodbye. I'll be with Damon and Penny soon.

Moving Along

David and I left Hope today. It's... as I said. Kind of a relief, to be just the two of us again. Lis and Shaun, thank you. You were very kind to me. I appreciate your concern. I'm sorry I wasn't out more to get to know you, I think I would have liked to.

All the same, the peace of the road, the comfortable silences broken only by the radio, are a nice change. Having company again, especially someone as kind and careful as David has been, is good for me, I think. I find myself actually singing with him along to whatever is playing on the radio. He has a lovely voice, and seems to enjoy any  random music that comes on the radio. It's nice to see such simple happiness on his face.

I'm not sure where we're going now, but I'm not too worried about it. David will keep me safe.

Hope

David and I have been here for a week. I meant to say something sooner but I really have just gotten out of the habit of blogging. And, other than Miss, everyone who reads this blog is in the building, I think. So it's not like it much matters, really. But I still want to try and get back in the habit of putting things up here.

Hope is nice. Even if I haven't really seen anything but my room and the kitchen. It's so weird, there being other people around. I... I'm honestly kind of too scared to deal with it very well. But I've met a couple people. The Mad Ventriloquist has been very kind to me, and Lis made me spaghetti, and Shaun and I talked.
It's... nice. I'd forgotten what it is to talk to people, to get hugs and have simple, domestic conversations.

It won't last. We're leaving soon. I'm not sure I'm sad about that. There's so many couples... it hurts. God help me, it hurts seeing people hand in hand, seeing that magnetism between people in love. And it's everywhere, and it burns me like fire because every time I see it, or hear it, or read about it, there's just this giant hole where Damon and Penny used to be, and I just...
I can't.
I just can't.
So, I'm sorry, but we can't leave soon enough for my taste. It all hurts too much.

Strange Bedfellows

But not literally.

Those of you who read the comments may have seen this one. An offer of a travelling companion from someone named David. I'll admit, I never thought much of it-after all, surely that David would never want anything to do with me. I'm a small fry with no real connection to his lover, after all.
And yet.
It's him.

But don't panic. He's... good. Kind to me. He's teaching me how to fight, trying to help me move forward. I don't really know why he's taken an interest in me. I mean. I asked, and he said I was interesting. Sweet. But. I mean, there's got to be plenty of more interesting Runners.

In any event, we're travelling together, apparently going to Hope. I'm not sure what to think of the fact that my protector is a proxy, but he's a kind man and I really enjoy travelling with him so far.

Calm Before the Storm

I'm sorry again that I haven't been posting much. It's been so quiet. I haven't seen anyone in a mask, much less the faceless wonder, in weeks. It's just been... peaceful. I dunno, maybe after Morningstar's maze there's nothing left for me to lose and I'm not fun enough prey for him to go after me?
I got lazy. Stopped running. Settled into this crappy apartment, kept taking classes. Learning to fight. Fooled myself into thinking I was safe.
I hadn't seen Him in a long time. Since... not long after... Well, you know.
I don't know why he hasn't come back, but I want to make the most of the time until he does.
This should be interesting, anyway. Can't help the feeling that something terrible's about to happen.

Sorry...

I didn't mean to vanish, really. I kind of forgot this was here?
I've been trying to not think about it. About  the part of my life on the blog.
It's not that I'm not still Stalked, that I'm not still running. Because I am.

But. I have to keep moving forward, keep living, and I don't know how to do that if I let myself think about it. Because nights like tonight? When I do? It just... it just kills me.

I'm. I'd like to think I'm so much stronger now. I'm learning how to fight, and apparently I have a knack for it. I constantly have a collection of bruises from sparring, but I take down my opponent as often as they take me down these days.

I'd probably learn faster if I didnt' have to keep moving, but I don't feel comfortable staying in one town for more than a couple weeks. So I keep going, floating from town to town, finding places with community centers or YMCA's that offer free classes in defense.

I'll try to post more often, I don't want to worry anyone.

Just An Update

Nothing much to report. Slendersightings have been scarce so far, the hotel continues to be shit and I continue to  refuse to touch the blanket or walk around barefooted.

The class is going well-only two sessions so far, but it's not as hard as I thought it would be. The me of a few weeks ago probably would've been too nervous to do any of this, but after losing everyone it doesn't bother me. All I have to do is imagine using these moves on Star or one of his minions and I'm fine with it. Amazing how things change.

Speaking of Morningstar. Apparently he thinks he can defect? This crazy bint honestly thinks he of all people deserves a chance at redemption. I've seen him. I've looked into his eyes. He has no pity, no remorse. I looked into those cold blue eyes and saw cruelty and joy at my suffering. I do not believe for a moment he has any sort of remorse.
I still have nightmares of those eyes and that cold, clear laugh as Damon died.
He doesn't deserve the second chance Damon and Penny never got.

Stronger

Sorry I'm slow to update lately but I've been driving so hard all I do when I reach a stopping point is pass out. I don't have much to say. I'm just going through my days and trying to live and figure out where to go from here.

That said, I'm now settled down in one of those sleazy rent by the week type places. I don't expect to be able to stay here long, but I'll enjoy the couple weeks I have, because I've come to a decision.

I don't have anyone to protect me anymore. I can't expect to be protected or sheltered or guarded ever again. I have to learn how to protect and take care of myself. In regards to the former, the city I'm in at the moment has free self defense classes going at the community center. I've already enrolled. I don't ever expect to be a fighter like some of you, but these days being able to fight back if I'm attacked is rather important.

The later I'm just having to figure out as I go.

The point is, I have a goal, I have a plan, I refuse to let this destroy me. For Damon and Penny and Brandon, I have to keep going.

Pondering My Next Move

I've been here at Miss' house for almost a week. She's been amazing. It's been really hard, she's helped me so much.
I'll admit that the first couple days I didn't really do much but cry and sleep. And then she mentioned wanting cookies. Just idly. And somehow next thing I knew I was baking cookies in her kitchen and she was looking at me with these bright starry eyes and I felt actually happy for the first time since... well. You know.
No matter how much it feels like your heart will break at each new tragedy, life moves on. The little things still happen to make you smile or laugh or cry, and eventually even the most bitter and desperate person starts to notice the happy moments again.
I'm not over it. I may never be over it. I loved them, and they died for me, and I'm not sure I even want to be over it or over them. But I'm recovering. I feel alive again, and I need to get moving.

I left Miss' house this morning. It's strange and sad and terrifying to be alone again but the three of them left me enough money to get by for a while until I figure out my next move.

Processing

I think... I think I'm still in shock, a little bit.
I don't... We didn't have a plan, really. We had no plans except to run. So I've not really known what to do? But we were headed up to see Miss, before... before all of this went down.
So, I decided to go ahead and go to her. She's... she's very kind and I don't really want to be alone after all of this.
Also admittedly I feel a lot safer with her, what with her being... whatever she is, exactly. I got to her early this afternoon, and she's every bit as kind in person. It feels nice to have someone to talk to again, and she doesn't mind hugging me while I cry.
Which happens quite often these days, unfortunately

I'm finally out of survival mode, now that I have time to sit and process... And I've been thinking. When I can.
I have to find something, I have to live. Damon told me, when he ordered me to run, that I had to keep living. It was... it was the last thing he ever told me. I don't know how. But I have to do it. For him. For them.

Somehow.

What Now

My name is Jessie Miller. I am twenty two years old, I had two partners named Damon Lewis and Penny Smith. I had a boyfriend named Brandon. I was studying to be a nurse, with a specialty in pediatrics. Penny was a teacher, Damon an electrical engineer. We met my first year in college when we all joined the same gaming group. Damon and Penny had been best friends for years and they both fell for me.
They agreed to share me if I agreed to it, and it wasn't long after that they realized they had feelings for each other. We were planning on moving somewhere on the coast after I graduated. They collared me last September, telling me they'd marry me as well if it were legal.
We were happy, together, until I got too nosy and started reading blogs and brought Slenderman into their lives. We had beautiful plans, we had our whole lives ahead of us. Penny dreamed of being a novelist-she hated horror stories and loved light hearted fantasy with everything she had. Damon wanted to make us a completely self-sustaining house.
They gave me rules and things to focus on when I was scared and needed guidance. They walked me through my fears and my doubts. Penny's family kicked her out of the house when she came out to them about Damon and I. Told her to never come back, but she was so proud to be open about her lovers that she spent the whole day smiling.
Damon was the one who found us our house. He graduated with a real job and could afford it. We had a crappy apartment in Jacksonville for school but Damon graduated and found us a little house where we could all live. This fall would have been the first time in two years that I wouldn't go to sleep with them every night, but it was okay because I only had a semester left and I had their collar to remind me I was theirs.
Penny smelled like ginger and tasted like cherries and had beautiful soft red hair. We always woke up in the morning tangled up in each other because she loved to cuddle and it always felt so good to make her smile.
Damon had a deep grumbly voice that felt commanding in all the right ways and a laugh that never failed to make me smile. He always smelt of soap and man and things I can't quite identify but his arms always felt like home and the way he called me good girl always made my toes curl.

Brandon I barely knew. It was my fault that he got involved. He was sweet and shy and way confused by the insanity that hit him so quickly. But he was just learning how to game and he was utterly delighted by the dice. He was so good to me when I was scared and tried so hard to take care of me so soon after we'd met. Our first date was only that morning...
His smile could light up a whole room and his kisses were sweet and I will always regret that I never had time to show him my world properly, and he never really even tried to show me his.

I will never forget them, I loved them all, they were my family and they all died so that I could be here and I don't know why I'm the one who survived, I'm useless without them, but I have to make them all proud. Somehow.

Master, Lady, Brandon... I'm so sorry. I love you. I would give anything for one more day with you.
I'm sorry I couldn't keep you safe.

Out

Oh god I'm out, I'm out, I'm hiding away somewhere, but I'm out.
They're all dead.
All of them.
I'm alone.
Damon died so I could get out.
One of them came out and watched me go. He knew that I was escaping, and he just laughed and waved. The pale boy with the creepy high pitched laugh. I don't.
I don't know what to do.
There's no one here to tell me what to do anymore.
I'm alone
I'm alone
I'm alone
What do I do now?

They got her. They got Penny. This creepy fuck in a mask got Penny and we couldn't... we had to keep going, there are too many of them, we had to.
We had to leave her and keep running. Oh god Penny. I love you, Lady, I'm so sorry. I haven't stopped crying, and Damon looks like he wants to kill someone. He may get his wish. We're still in here.
Watching. The man with the guns isn't very good. maybe it's the sunglasses?
The weird Jamaican guy is trying to get him to leave... we're watching... we found a good hiding spot to see... One less person to worry about?
Except
What's that? Oh no

Morningstar.
It's Morningstar. He's got us trapped in this fucking hedge maze. Not a loop. Not a labyrinth. Just a fucking maze. The kind of thing people go into for fun. I used to love these...
But it's... wrong now, because it's full of people trying to kill us and we've already run into a clown with a flaming chainsaw and we're hiding and trying to make a plan but we don't know what to do and oh god we're all going to die.
I don't want to die. Oh god I'll be good forever I'll never break a rule again just please let us live.
Please.

Oh shit

Oh godogodogod
We just woke up... we're in some sort of... maze? The four of us... last I remember we were in the hotel room...But...
Oh this is bad, we've been moved and I don't know why... and is that...?

Reunited

Damon and Penny are here! They got here in time for dinner but I've been so happy to see them that I didn't want to move from their side to post this. It's... It's so amazing to see them again. We're a family again, and they're getting on well with Brandon, and for the first time in a long time everything feels like it's going to actually work out again.

I just wanted you all to know that. 

You Were Right, Jess

Hi, this is Penny. Jessie, I'm sorry for breaking into your account but you're not answering your phone and you left your password as the one we used for everything, so I hope this is okay. We needed to get in touch.

You were right, I'm so sorry, you were right and now we have a stalker in a business suit. Jessie, where are you love? We miss you and we want you back, now that there's no reason for us to stay apart. Please, please call us back?

That can be an order if you're willing to have us back. We love you, Jess, and we're both pretty fucking scared.

Running

Being on the run is terrifying. I could only bring what I could sneak out of our house without Damon and Penny noticing, so while I managed to empty my account on the way to meet Brandon, I was only able to bring a couple days worth of clothes, a couple books, and the LARPing weapons that were already in my car. I'm seriously considering finding a goodwill and trying to pick up a few more things, all of what I have is already pretty grimy. But money is going to be tight pretty soon so I can't quite justify it.

Brandon's been holding up pretty well, considering. Neither of us have come up with anything beyond 'run like the wind', but he's been so good to me... I'm not exactly the most stable right now. The day after we left, Damon and Penny called and told me that we were done. It shouldn't... it shouldn't bother me so damn much, I never expected anything else, but I... they've been so much a part of me, of my life, of everything I say or do, for so long...

I just feel lost. Thank God for Brandon, if I were on my own right now I couldn't... I couldn't do it. I just... I...

I should go before I start crying again.

Gone

I need to do this in order, otherwise I'll just freak out again and this post will never go up. The date yesterday was great. Brandon is sweet and we honestly have a good time together. I ended up taking him with me to run errands, and so we spent like five hours together. Pretty good for the first date, yeah? So I was pretty much deliriously happy when I went home and made dinner for Penny and Damon.

And then I found this. And I have to be honest with you guys, I have to, I think Damon and Penny and Brandon are the only ones who read this and I can't lie to you. He's real, I'm so sorry. A few weeks ago, that wasn't a game that was real and I thought I'd gotten through it, I thought it would go away but when I read that post I turned and He was in the window and I screamed. I knew... I knew I had to leave, I had to save Damon and Penny, because they're good kind people and they've treated me so well and I love them and I don't want this happening to them.

He's real, and I had to run, and I couldn't take Damon and Penny, couldn't TELL Damon and Penny. They know, of course, because I'm not allowed to lie to them, but they haven't seen him yet, they're not being stalked, so there's still hope, so I need to leave. I left with Brandon last night.

Damon, Penny, I'm so sorry. I know I broke the rules. I shouldn't have lied, I shouldn't have left, and I'm so sorry but my collar isn't worth your lives, it's just not. I love you both. I'm sorry.

The Game

Today was game day. Damon and Penny and I slept in, the game wasn't till four, and we headed out at around noon to get the stuff we needed to set up in the park taken care of, and we went to eat before the game because it was going to run well past dinner. The whole time the three of us were buzzing with anticipation, excitement for things to come.

We took our places at 3, ready with enough premade characters for double the people that had let us know they were coming-just in case. People started arriving pretty shortly after that, and we were relatively occupied until Brandon arrived a little after four. We'd been about to head out and get started, but I'm glad we waited. He's very sweet, if a little misguided. Seemed to think that this whole slenderthing was something more than just a game. He was pretty agitated about it.

I talked him down, though, and got him to come play. He'd never done a LARP before, but he did pretty well, and seemed to have a damn good time. Afterward, he came to talk to me and asked me out. Which, I admit, I was kind of excited about.

Confession time, guys. Damon and Penny aren't just friends, as Brandon noticed. We're dating. The three of us. We're a committed triad, though we all also pick up other partners from time to time. I had to check with them before I accepted Brandon's offer, but I wasn't particularly worried they'd say no. They've been encouraging me to pick up a date-they're both pretty busy most of the time and as I have very little to do during the week, finding someone good to spend some of that time with is definitely not a bad thing.

I probably should've come out and TOLD Brandon, but I thought that telling him I needed to ask permission was pretty obvious. Apparently he didn't figure it out until we kissed, though. At least he doesn't seem to mind? A lot of folks are squicked by polyamory. My family is still weirded out, and the three of us have been together for three years. Though admittedly they're nice about it, so it's not such a big deal.

In any case, I need to go get ready for my date. I'll throw up a post later today about how it went.