David

By the time you're reading this, it's too late for me. I just want to get that out of the way. If you are reading this, I am dead. I asked David to post this once he'd killed me.

Some of you wondered, I'm sure, what interest David would have in someone like me. I did too. I'm not stupid, just resigned. I'm not a runner. I'm not a fighter. I barely survive. And if David cared enough to track me down that first time, I was his prey. And if he wanted to play nice? Well, it's felt good pretending someone cares about me like that again.

For the record? I suspected from the moment I saw that comment. I figured it out for certain shortly after we arrived at Hope. He introduced me to The Mad Ventriloquist, poor man. They're in love, and I wish them all the best, because I can't think of any other motive that would've kept him from crying and trying something like he obviously wanted to. He knew. He's not that good of an actor.
But please, don't judge him too harshly. I told him I knew, that it was what I wanted. He didn't like it, but he understood.

David knew I knew, and never did he seem so attracted to me as when I came to him a few days later and told him I knew he was going to kill me. That kiss... I think it may have been the only real kiss he ever gave me. The only one that wasn't carefully planned and poised and plotted.

Yes, that's right. We were sleeping together. The two of us made a deal. I would do whatever he wanted, let him have whatever death he wanted for me, do just exactly as he wished.

Provided he gave me at least a week to pretend he loved me. He's been wonderful, he's an amazing actor and a skilled top. Were circumstances different it would be quite easy to fall into that act and believe that it were true, that he really did love me.

As it is, I'm grateful for the masquerade. I didn't want to die without ever being happy again. I'm... I'm not, exactly. Happy, I mean. But.. content. As long as I have someone I can trust to serve, I can find contentment, and strangely now that I know he wants my death I know he won't harm me in the meantime. I trust him implicitly.

I know I'm going to die, I know it will probably be horrific. I have no doubt in my mind that he will make me cry and scream and wish for the end, but I find comfort in two things.

First, that nothing he, an external force, can do will hurt me worse than I already hurt after the past couple months. I've tried so hard to fight it or hide it or move past it, but all I am is pain. Everything I am, everything I feel, is shades of pain. Serving him, getting so far into that mentality that it's a trance, is the only thing I've been able to find to allow me to not hurt, even just for a little while.

And secondly? There is nothing left on this earth I want more than death. After their deaths... I just can't. As much as they wouldn't like the comparison, I find myself like those stories of dogs whose owners have died who just fade away, die out of grief for their master. The only thing keeping me in the land of the living is luck. That and Damon's last order: that I not end my own life because of my loss.
So I haven't. I've done what I could to stay alive, and now that the decision is out of my hands... now that I know I will see them again soon... If I didn't still hurt so bad, I'd call it joy.

So, please, don't hate or blame him for it. He gave me everything I could have asked for. I'm just hoping my death doesn't hurt anyone else.

Goodbye. I'll be with Damon and Penny soon.

Moving Along

David and I left Hope today. It's... as I said. Kind of a relief, to be just the two of us again. Lis and Shaun, thank you. You were very kind to me. I appreciate your concern. I'm sorry I wasn't out more to get to know you, I think I would have liked to.

All the same, the peace of the road, the comfortable silences broken only by the radio, are a nice change. Having company again, especially someone as kind and careful as David has been, is good for me, I think. I find myself actually singing with him along to whatever is playing on the radio. He has a lovely voice, and seems to enjoy any  random music that comes on the radio. It's nice to see such simple happiness on his face.

I'm not sure where we're going now, but I'm not too worried about it. David will keep me safe.

Hope

David and I have been here for a week. I meant to say something sooner but I really have just gotten out of the habit of blogging. And, other than Miss, everyone who reads this blog is in the building, I think. So it's not like it much matters, really. But I still want to try and get back in the habit of putting things up here.

Hope is nice. Even if I haven't really seen anything but my room and the kitchen. It's so weird, there being other people around. I... I'm honestly kind of too scared to deal with it very well. But I've met a couple people. The Mad Ventriloquist has been very kind to me, and Lis made me spaghetti, and Shaun and I talked.
It's... nice. I'd forgotten what it is to talk to people, to get hugs and have simple, domestic conversations.

It won't last. We're leaving soon. I'm not sure I'm sad about that. There's so many couples... it hurts. God help me, it hurts seeing people hand in hand, seeing that magnetism between people in love. And it's everywhere, and it burns me like fire because every time I see it, or hear it, or read about it, there's just this giant hole where Damon and Penny used to be, and I just...
I can't.
I just can't.
So, I'm sorry, but we can't leave soon enough for my taste. It all hurts too much.

Strange Bedfellows

But not literally.

Those of you who read the comments may have seen this one. An offer of a travelling companion from someone named David. I'll admit, I never thought much of it-after all, surely that David would never want anything to do with me. I'm a small fry with no real connection to his lover, after all.
And yet.
It's him.

But don't panic. He's... good. Kind to me. He's teaching me how to fight, trying to help me move forward. I don't really know why he's taken an interest in me. I mean. I asked, and he said I was interesting. Sweet. But. I mean, there's got to be plenty of more interesting Runners.

In any event, we're travelling together, apparently going to Hope. I'm not sure what to think of the fact that my protector is a proxy, but he's a kind man and I really enjoy travelling with him so far.

Calm Before the Storm

I'm sorry again that I haven't been posting much. It's been so quiet. I haven't seen anyone in a mask, much less the faceless wonder, in weeks. It's just been... peaceful. I dunno, maybe after Morningstar's maze there's nothing left for me to lose and I'm not fun enough prey for him to go after me?
I got lazy. Stopped running. Settled into this crappy apartment, kept taking classes. Learning to fight. Fooled myself into thinking I was safe.
I hadn't seen Him in a long time. Since... not long after... Well, you know.
I don't know why he hasn't come back, but I want to make the most of the time until he does.
This should be interesting, anyway. Can't help the feeling that something terrible's about to happen.

Sorry...

I didn't mean to vanish, really. I kind of forgot this was here?
I've been trying to not think about it. About  the part of my life on the blog.
It's not that I'm not still Stalked, that I'm not still running. Because I am.

But. I have to keep moving forward, keep living, and I don't know how to do that if I let myself think about it. Because nights like tonight? When I do? It just... it just kills me.

I'm. I'd like to think I'm so much stronger now. I'm learning how to fight, and apparently I have a knack for it. I constantly have a collection of bruises from sparring, but I take down my opponent as often as they take me down these days.

I'd probably learn faster if I didnt' have to keep moving, but I don't feel comfortable staying in one town for more than a couple weeks. So I keep going, floating from town to town, finding places with community centers or YMCA's that offer free classes in defense.

I'll try to post more often, I don't want to worry anyone.

Just An Update

Nothing much to report. Slendersightings have been scarce so far, the hotel continues to be shit and I continue to  refuse to touch the blanket or walk around barefooted.

The class is going well-only two sessions so far, but it's not as hard as I thought it would be. The me of a few weeks ago probably would've been too nervous to do any of this, but after losing everyone it doesn't bother me. All I have to do is imagine using these moves on Star or one of his minions and I'm fine with it. Amazing how things change.

Speaking of Morningstar. Apparently he thinks he can defect? This crazy bint honestly thinks he of all people deserves a chance at redemption. I've seen him. I've looked into his eyes. He has no pity, no remorse. I looked into those cold blue eyes and saw cruelty and joy at my suffering. I do not believe for a moment he has any sort of remorse.
I still have nightmares of those eyes and that cold, clear laugh as Damon died.
He doesn't deserve the second chance Damon and Penny never got.